You Can't Change Them
When I was a little kid, my mom says I was a good kid. But as I got into my teenage years, I started "smelling myself." And now that I look back and have my own teenagers, mom's was right—I was wildin.
When I became a Christian, I slowed down a little, but not a lot. I was a convert, but I was not being or behaving like a disciple. My reputation was so bad at our high school that when my little brother, Christopher—who I know just leaned in to hear this story from heaven—showed up to the school for his first year, the teachers told that man to stay away from me, his own big brother!
Reading that should give you some indication of where things were.
That same year I got connected to another cat in our school pushing dimes on the low, and he asked me if I wanted in. Even though I felt that familiar tug in my spirit and could almost hear Jesus whisper, "bruh… you just got in," I said yes to the entrepreneurial opportunity set before me.
Pretty soon, I had a few of the homies join our start-up because demand was outpacing supply, and revenues were high.
As these things go, because you know the Holy Spirit talks to mama's worldwide, I was eventually found out. I am still not sure how my mom found out and then told my dad to this day. I know Chris did not snitch, so it had to be the Spirit, accompanied by my sudden ability to purchase things, though I worked only at Burger King.
My parents were not happy. And I do not know if they will even remember their argument about me. But I remember it, and I distinctly remember my kind papa saying, "bae, I think he just fell in with the wrong crowd." And my mom responded forcefully and now somewhat hilariously to me, "he is the wrong crowd!"
It was true…
It was true…
I was the wrong crowd.
The teachers knew it and told my little brother to stay away from me.
My homeboys' folks knew it too, and even though my poor papa wanted to believe they had pulled me into the game, it was the other way around.
How did this happen?
I will tell you. I started hanging with my buddy who put me on, and even though I told him no forty times, I began to justify it in my heart over time. He encouraged and supported those justifications until I finally caved on who I was and what I said I believed to align myself with him.
And then my boys, who I convinced, went through the same reframing of their beliefs and moral standards as I did.
What is the point of this somewhat hilarious tale?
We become the company we keep.
We become… the company… we keep.
I could tell you this story in one hundred different versions, from friendships to teammates to my former dating life—which I am not allowed to talk about for fear of literal death. I could tell you this tale repeatedly from my life and the lives of countless people I have known, loved, walked with, and served. We become the company we keep.
And though this truth is essential in every relationship—including friendships—it is exceedingly important in romantic relationships, especially for those who fancy themselves the secret ingredient to changing someone into the person you think they can, should, or need to be.
You cannot change anyone.
You cannot "missionary" date someone into serving Jesus.
You cannot invest all of yourself in a person and expect them not to affect who you are and how you move… and all of you know it, even as some of you consciously try to resist what I am saying right now. It is more likely you will become like them than they will become like you.
The Apostle Paul warns us in 1 Corinthians 15:33 to be careful about the company you keep. Be careful. Take care. Choose carefully to whom you give your heart, mind, and time because you are inviting catastrophe if you do not take care.
Paul's words are powerful, pleading with the people of Corinth to not be misled, and he does so by quoting what would have been to them a familiar Greek poet, Menander, who wrote,
"Bad company corrupts good character."
Think about that for a moment. The words Paul uses that end up becoming holy scripture began as common wisdom from a poet who was not and never became a follower of Jesus.
Menander was a famous artist of the day, much like Kendrick or Wayne or Drake today, and in his common wisdom, under God's common grace, even he knew that we become the company we keep.
Paul hopes that these familiar words, set in the context of critical theological truth and faithful love and leadership from him, will make the Corinthians awake to realise that the company they are keeping is affecting their lives and faith!
They cannot change them; they are being changed by them!
The context set then allows me to show you why Paul's words are crucial to your relationship paradigm and relational choices. The company you keep matters because you become the company you keep.
First, you all need to be honest and accept that and accept it. Accept that the company you keep influences your choices. You know it, I know it, we all know it, so why pretend otherwise. We begin to adopt the ideas and behaviours of the people closest to us.
It did not even take all sixteen years of our relationship for me to start eating onion soup and my wife to start laying edges… pretty quickly; it just happened. We influenced each other and our choices. When you invest your life, heart, mind and time into someone, it is effortless to begin to mimic their behaviour and believe it is normal, even if it conflicts with your beliefs and values.
Solomon writes in Proverbs that "The one who walks with the wise will become wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm." Proverbs 13:20
The one who walks with the wild will become wild.
The one who walks with the janky will become janky.
The one who walks with the perverted will become perverted.
You become the company we keep, and it influences your choices. Not only does your company influence your choices, but the company you keep impacts your character.
If you are honest, everyone who has ever been with someone who did not believe or behave the way they did, went through the same process.
You did and said things you just knew you would never do and say, but there you were—there I was—thinking you were going to change them, and they were changing you all along.
Solomon writes elsewhere in the Proverbs, "The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." Proverbs 12:26
You must choose wisely the company you keep; that is the heart of it all.
The question before you then is, do you choose your companions carefully, or is swiping in one direction or another suitable enough? If you have not in the past, do you think you can go forward after today with the same lack of carefulness?
Please hear my heart; this is not a beat down but a plea. I hurt and was hurt by too many people to count back in the 90s and 2000s, and I do not want those scars for you.
Of course, if you already have scars, the good news is that so does Jesus, and His scars heal ours. He endured beatings, humiliation and a Crucifixion "for the joy set before Him" so that He could heal our wounds, make us whole, set us free, and give us abundant and eternal life!
But just because we know He can heal does not mean we should go looking to get cut.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, the company you keep informs your relationship with God. It may seem like a redundancy, but it is not.
When we take delight in the company of people who do not value what we value or follow the will and way of Jesus as we do, we run the risk of mimicking their behaviours, their language, and their habits.
Before long, we are no longer following the way of Jesus but following the narrative of our host culture, denying God's absolute authority, rejecting the Bible as God's Word, and accepting an ideology of relative morality.
I know what you are thinking, the same thing I was thinking twenty years ago, "that may happen to someone else, but not me." Yes. You! Are you willing to believe you are less susceptible than every previous generation and person who lived before you, great and small? Of course, you cannot say that with confidence; no one can.
If the Evil One can take down a third of God's Angels—who have seen God face-to-face—what makes you impervious to his schemes?
I dare to say it is the opposite. No generation has been more desperate for the approval of others or more motivated by the need for acceptance and affirmation than the two behind mine. So please, take great care in the company you keep, because you become the company you keep! Human nature is to reflect the way of those with whom we are closest.
The pain, impact, and loss associated with poor relationship choices cannot be understated. You have walked with people in pain, as have I.
It matters because your worth, walk, and witness in and for Jesus are the most important possession you have on this planet—another person can never replace them, and they are only ever meant to compliment them.
You want to be in a life-giving, flourishing relationship, not one where so much of your energy is going toward changing someone else—and it is impossible to do so in any way.
So please, Choose your company carefully. Choose your company carefully, especially romantically. As some of you know well, the recovery from a poor choice can often last as long as the lousy relationship did… or longer.
As crazy as this sounds, after I was dragged into the light by my parents about my side hustle, I was more relieved than afraid. I knew there would be consequences. I knew that the friendship would have to end. I knew I would have to repent to the homies.
But I also knew that I did not have to live under pressure any longer trying to change someone who did not want to change while simultaneously being guilty for all the ways I had changed.
There is great freedom in being who we are and being with people who call that forth, rather than suppressing it.
If you are a follower of Jesus' way, what if you chose people who challenged your faith and mind instead of jeering focused on your body?
What if you all chose to be with people who made you want to be more like Jesus and not less? What if you decide today to find freedom rather than stay bound?
We would see the world awaken in beautiful ways, and I believe you would have unshakeable peace.