How Do I “Single” Well?
"The early Church's legitimation of singleness as a form of life symbolised the necessity of the Church to grow through witness and conversion. Singleness was legitimate, not because sex was thought to be a particularly questionable activity, but the mission of the Church was such that 'between the times' the Church required those who were capable of complete service to the Kingdom…. And we must remember that the 'sacrifice' made by the single is not that of 'giving up sex,' but the much more significant sacrifice of giving up heirs. There can be no more radical act than this, as it is the clearest institutional expression that one's future is not guaranteed by the family but by the Church. The Church, the harbinger of the Kingdom of God, is now the source of our primary loyalty." - Stanley Hauerwas.
His words are so foreign to our church and host cultures' understanding of singleness that I do not even know where to begin unpacking them. How about we start with Hauerwas declaring the legitimacy of singleness.
Being single is a legitimate way to live life, not a lesser way or alternative way or in between way while waiting, but a legitimate way to live life. I was never taught this as a single man—more on that later—and I doubt many of you have been either.
Hauerwas also stresses that single people are vital to the further in-breaking of God's Kingdom. Without people who are untangled from the complexities of marriage and children, the time between Jesus' first coming and His return cannot be all that God intended it to be, and neither can His Church.
Lastly, and perhaps most powerfully, the radical act of forgoing a biological family—and choosing a life-long call to being single—visibly shows that God does not need us to build His Church through having babies.
When single Christian people give up heirs—fostering and adopting notwithstanding—they do so because "they now understand that they have been made part of a community that is more determinative than the biological family." And they display that understanding to a needy and desperate church and world.
One word ties together all of Hauerwas' understanding of the power and dignity of being a faithfully single follower of Jesus' way—Exalted. Exalted, meaning elevated, grand, noble, and dignified. Be honest, how many of you would tie the idea of being single to those descriptors?
I would wager, though, that, like me, for so many years of teaching, preaching, living, and learning, rarely have I been told that being single is an exalted position.
We believe being single is low and less, not high and exalted.
Though many years have passed, I too experienced the unhealthy fruit of this belief—especially in the Church. When I first started in vocational ministry, as a children's pastor no less, and right up until I met the gifted, anointed, appointed, and lovely Mrs. Crump, I was single.
And, with no exaggeration, I estimate that a full fifty percent of everyone's energy in all three churches I served as a single pastor went toward trying to understand why I was single, get me un-singled through setups and hints, or straight find me a wife.
There was no formula, no paradigm, no constructed reality for them in which I could faithfully pastor and serve the Church and remain a single man. Why? Because whether they ever vocalised it or not, until I was married, I was not complete.
I could not be a 'full-fledged" pastor until I had a wife and, to some, even children.
To most people—and in most host cultures and church circles—being single is low and less, so it is a problem to be solved, not a legitimate way to love, serve and live.
Then there are Paul's words in First Corinthians. Paul's words, which undoubtedly inspired much—if not all—of Hauerwas' quote.
The Apostle Paul's wish is that everyone was single as he was. His position is unique because he was a widower, meaning he had experienced marriage—in all of its beauty and pain—and still stood on the concession that being single is better. Singleness in all its forms is noble and exalted.
And when we all embrace that—especially those of you living single for a season or life—everything in the Church and the world will change.
Let us look at five things you all must do to see singleness ennobled, exalted, and even a preferred way of life for Paul.
First, you have to Embrace the accurate picture of marriage. Marriage is good, but it is not the goal. Marriage is good, but it is not the goal. At best, marriage produces divided loyalties and divided interests; at worst, it assaults us with anxieties of every kind.
Later in this same part of Paul's letter, Paul writes that marriage brings with it its own set of anxieties [Verse 32] that can literally wither your ability to be who God called you to be and who He has made you.
If marriage does not wither your ability to be who God called you to be, it can still prevent you from serving the Lord without distraction.
Paul reiterates his admonition for remaining unmarried by writing, "...those who marry will experience distress in this life, and I would spare you that." [Verse 28]
Precisely what Paul has in mind regarding distress in this life is not made plain.
Perhaps he is thinking of the general stress of being covenantally bound to another sinner forever. For-ev-er.
Perhaps the anxiety is related to raising children in a broken world.
Perhaps the pain of being married but unable to have children.
Perhaps the inevitable struggle and sanctifying work that it is to become one flesh with another human being.
All of this, and more, is poured into his desire to spare them the pain of marriage.
We have an idealised view of marriage in the Church and the host culture, particularly in previous generations. But marriage is far from idyllic, and it comes with different but significant costs. Marriage produces complications and responsibilities that can hurt and hinder.
Second, you all must Change the scorecard. "What does he mean by that, you might be wondering?"
Allow me to explain. If we are going to exalt and ennoble singleness—especially if it is for a season and not a lifetime, depending on our calling—then we have to change the scorecard on how we evaluate a possible mate.
According to the host culture's scorecard, there is no nobility in living out your singleness.
You need a new list!
My pre-marriage list, all thirty-seven items, is pretty infamous, and it almost cost me the love of my life.
After Breanna and I started our courtship and were reasonably sure where things were going, her mother pulled me aside—you all remember this—her mother pulled me aside and asked me, "what are you going to do if she wakes up one morning and she is blind or paralysed?"
I stood there stunned for a moment, having not given real thought to the implications of Breanna having been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. But after a moment, I looked at her with earnest confidence and said, I will love her. I will choose to love her.
I had to make one of two choices at that moment: 1. According to the standard scorecard, bail because a woman with health issues was not worth pursuing further. 2. Commit to knowing and loving Breanna and not overlook her because of her health.
She, too, was worthy of love. She was just as much a potential spouse as any other woman. She was not less worthy because she battled a health issue.
According to the very shallow scorecard that currently governs single life in this nation and much of this world, health issues included, there are many reasons a man or woman might overlook someone. Even the television social experiments could not, in the end, eliminate that same prototypical scorecard.
But if singleness is to be exalted and ennobled, then the scorecard has to change, and your list has to shorten and widen simultaneously!
Shorten, meaning:
Does he or she love Jesus?
Does she or he challenge you to love and follow Jesus more closely?
Has he or she done the work to know themselves as a whole person, complete without another?
Is she or he undisguised?
Widen, meaning if those things—and maybe a couple of others like financial stability or a plan—are in place, the pool of candidates just expanded immensely!
Third, you must Redefine sex and redistribute your sexual energy. Sex in this country has been defined in all manner of ways, few of them helpful or healthy. Sex is a multi-billion dollar industry in this country that exceeds the combined revenues of all major sports.
And in the Church, sex has been taught as—if spoken on at all—as a means of making children in marriage or as something terrible but tolerable for the sake of procreation. Sex is none of those things!
Sex is being physically fully present to another person for their delight and flourishing. The context of that sexual full presence is marriage, but at its core, that is what sex is, a life-giving act of self-donation for the delight and flourishing of another.
Why is it essential we accurately define sex? Because as an unmarried person, your sexual energy does not just disappear, nor is it healthy for it to just be repressed, so what do you do with it?
Paul gives one option, get married if you lack control. But his concession is in the context of his belief that being single is better.
What do you do if you do not get married, though, or you are not yet married? You harness all of that sexual energy in service to others for their delight and flourishing. Harness your sexual energy to serve others.
Over the summer, I read a great book called the 5 am Club. To my surprise, one of the things the author points out, quoting several classical writers, is that if we were able to harness our sexual energy for something other than sex, we would be the most productive people on the planet.
He was not advocating abstinence, nor was he saying he avoided sex altogether. He was making plain that there is no greater energy store than sexual energy, and if we owned it instead of it owning us, we would have an indomitable power.
When you cast that in the context of following Jesus' way, it is not just productivity or power we should want or seek, but rather impact in the world and promote the delight and flourishing of other people.
Fourth, you must Lead in the Church and the world in the way you were made. Waiting for a partner cannot be the mechanism for validating your purpose. You all are poised to be leaders. The secure and confidently single person, who is devoted to God and His Church, is so powerful and poised to be an incredible leader in the redemptive work of Christ in His Church and His world.
Poised to be leaders? Yes, poised to be leaders… uniquely fit to lead in the Church, and lead the Church with a single-minded, pure-hearted, undistracted devotion.
I know this is the opposite of all of the messaging you have heard over the years, but it is a Gospel truth. In his book, "When the Church was a Family," Joseph H. Hellerman writes:
It is rather revealing that we feel the need to offer special programs (and hire special staff) for single adult ministry in our churches. We struggle somehow to fit single adults into a kingdom plan that we have designed primarily for married folks. Perhaps the problem is how we have framed the plan. Paul's concern in first Corinthians seven was not to ask how singleness fits into God's kingdom plan. Paul was addressing the issue of how marriage fits into His kingdom plan. Single people are already with the program. They are "concerned about the things of the Lord." Married people are the ones who need help sorting out their priorities.
You have incredible power to lead, into which many of you have yet to tap!
Fifth and finally, you must Accept that singleness is a gift, whether for a season or a lifetime.
Paul argues that though being married is not wrong, being unmarried is far better [Verse 38], better for all of the reasons he outlines throughout chapter seven of First Corinthians, which you all should read in whole.
Ultimately though, even as he declares his belief that marriage is better and his preference that all would be single as he is, Paul holds in tension a clear understanding of both God's intentions and human nature when he writes, "But each has [their] own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another." [Verse 7]
Singleness is a gift from God, just as any other.
Even as the words roll from my lips, I feel the tension. I sense the hurt and disappointment. I can almost hear the whisper of the Evil One trying to convince, indict, and harass you into believing that something is missing in you if you remain single. BUT THOSE ARE LIES.
What is true is what the word says. As Jesus' followers, we must believe His word over our own hearts.
Jani Ortlund, in "Fearlessly Feminine," writes, "Being single is not some sort of punishment. You mustn't think that if you were more spiritual, somehow more satisfied with God alone, then God would bring you a husband...You are single because this is God's call for you today. His plan for you is good, and He will never betray you.
Does this mean it is unhealthy to want to be married? No. Does it mean you must stop praying for God to open the door to having a spouse? No. No. But it does mean that in it and with it, you trust that He is good and will never betray you.
It may be a long-time or even lifetime gift for some of you, but a gift nonetheless, even when it is nearly impossible to see it that way.
And even as a gift, it may be one that you openly acknowledge is not a gift you would ever choose. Elisabeth Elliot writes:
"Having now spent more than forty-one years being single, I have learned that it is indeed a gift. Not one I would choose. Not one many women would choose. But we do not choose gifts, remember? We are given them by a divine Giver who knows the end from the beginning and wants above all else to give us the gift of Himself." Elisabeth Elliot, "Let Me Be a Woman."
Singleness is a gift, for some, a long time or even a lifetime gift. For all who are presently single, it is not without purpose. God knows the end from the beginning, and if your life is in His hands, then this season or call of singleness is also in His hands. Will you treat it as such? The answer to that question remains with you.
"When the church loses the significance of singleness, I suspect it does so because Christians no longer have confidence that the Gospel can be received by those who have not been, so to speak, 'raised in it.' Put differently: Christian justifications of the family may often be the result that Christians no longer believe the Gospel is true or joyful."
And that is why this should matter for all of us today, not just our unmarried sisters and brothers.
The Church has lost the significance of singleness.
The Church has lost the dignity of singleness. The Church has lost the exalted state of singleness, and it has caused great harm to people, The Church, and the Kingdom of God itself.
But today, you have a choice; you can choose to see singleness ennobled, exalted, or even a preferred way of life. For unmarried people, you must pursue—by God's Spirit—to embrace and do those five things we discussed.
For those who are married, stop making marriage the goal of life. Stop always hinting that you are keeping your eye out for someone's future spouse. Stop withdrawing from unmarried people and hanging out as soon as you get married. Start being led by people who are single and complete. Start treating singleness like a gift, whether for a season or a lifetime.
See singleness as exalted.
There is little left to say, yes? Our world would be so radically different if we redefined what it means to be single that the vision for it is unmistakably plain. And so what is left for us is to determine to do this differently—singleness, dating, scorecards, sexuality, leadership—until the world is genuinely awakened to God's wonder, and His Kingdom is overflowing through His local and global Church!
I believe in you. I think that you are the ones who will change this world. All it takes is one step in the right direction.