Change Your Thoughts. Change Your Life. Pt. 3
The Voices in Your Life Are The Lid On Your Happiness (Part 1)
That title is extreme, I know, but it is true. In act three of this multipart blog series, we will explore the power of the voices in your life and their ability to promote or demote your happiness.
When I was in my twenties, I had a friend who was just not a very good friend despite what I genuinely believed were his best intentions. Every interaction was just filled with negativity. If I said I could, he would tell me all of the reasons I could not. If I saw possibilities, he saw problems. Where I saw dreams, he saw drama. In fact, in preparing this post, I could only think of one positive thing he ever spoke into my life. Just one.
One example of our negative interactions that I feel comfortable sharing relates to Breanna and my hope and vision for what would become Renovation Church. I remember sitting with him at a bar and telling him that we would have a church filled with all of the different types of people that make Atlanta, Atlanta. Black folks, white folks, South Asian and East Asian folks, LatinX folks, wealthy and poor. Everyone! I will never forget the look on his face as he said back to me, "yeah, that's cool, but do you even think that is possible?" Until that very moment, it had not crossed my mind that it was impossible.
I had read my bible and saw that the Scriptures were very clear about every tribe, nation, and tongue. I had done my research and understood the demographic data of the metro. And we had hosted a bible study that was already showing the fruit of our dream. So by all measures, it was incredibly possible for us to lead and be a part of the church God placed in our hearts! And yet… that one little negative sentence, that one voice needled its way into the back of my mind and made me question all of the evidence and possibility I had—up to that moment—felt so sure.
It is a strange thing about human beings and our brains. The human brain has a natural tendency to give weight to and remember at an astoundingly higher rate, negative experiences or interactions more than positive ones—they stand out more. Psychologists refer to this as negativity bias. "Our brains are wired to scout for the bad stuff" and fixate on the threat, says psychologist and author Rick Hanson. "The brain handles positive and negative information in different hemispheres" of the brain, explains author and Stanford professor Clifford Nass. Negative emotions generally involve more thinking, and the information is processed more thoroughly than positive ones. "Thus, we tend to ruminate more about unpleasant events—and use stronger words to describe them—than happy ones."
Bad emotions, bad memories, bad feedback and bad impressions all have more impact. Why is it essential for you to know this fact? Because Rarely do we consider the weight of other people's words… especially if we ourselves are overtly confident people. But the words people use with and toward us matter. The voices we let in matter. The voices with which we surround ourselves matter. Listen… the voices we surround ourselves with will either contribute to or rob us of happiness. We need voices in our lives that promote, not demote, the happiness God has for us. In fact, the ancient stoic philosopher Epictetus writes,
"The key is to only keep company with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best."
In other words, avoid voices that do not promote your total wellbeing—including your happiness.
What comes next will potentially be unpopular, but please give me grace and hear me out. God does not require you to keep company with people who pull you down. We must keep toxic and harmful relationships at arm's length—better yet, at hearts' "length." I am not saying you cannot have those types of people in your life. I am saying that they cannot be at the centre of your world or significantly influence how you think or move.
Does this mean that you or I should avoid people who say hard things to us or hold us accountable for who we say we are and say we want to be? No. Iron sharpens iron, and hard words make soft hearts. But it does mean that you are careful about the company you keep, and you surround yourself with people who uplift you, who call forth your best, who see in you the things God is cultivating toward the person He has called you to be and is making you. Your and my self-perception and level of happiness are profoundly affected by the voices we let in. God wants us to refresh others and be refreshed by our relationships. He wants us in life-giving community and friendships. The voices you allow into your life matter. It is all over the Scriptures. And some of us—as hard as it is to say aloud—need new voices. To that end, I will survey a few of those places, surface a few fundamental principles, and be on our way.
In Solomon's writings, the Proverbs, which not-so-coincidentally are all very spiritual and practical wisdom, we are given the insight to help us live an abundant life. Solomon writes, "A generous soul will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed." [Proverbs 11:25]
We need voices of refreshing in our lives.
To be happy people, we need voices of refreshing in our lives.
In Hebrew, the phrase "generous soul" literally means a soul of blessing. We need some souls of blessing in our lives, people who speak life to and over us, rather than death. I know that sounds extreme—life and death—but Solomon writes elsewhere in the Proverbs that "life and death are in the power of the tongue." [Proverbs 18:21] It may not be literal murder, but there are many dead dreams that you and I once dreamed that were murdered by someone else's voice. On the other hand, many things are still alive—like a transcultural community in North Atlanta—because a soul of blessing, a refreshing person, spoke life to it!
Solomon's illustration is powerful because water was a precious commodity in Israel. Like the parched ground being refreshed from deep well waters, so is a soul refreshed by someone who speaks life, hope and encouragement to them. The soul of blessing draws freely from their well to refresh others, and the well does not go dry because the source is God Himself.
Going back to my opening story, I vividly remember how shaken I was about the "concept" of this church after my "friend" and then a professor I had in seminary. Frankly, several other people told Breanna and me that there was no way it would work. My father, who I have only ever seen as a soul of blessing, called me out of the blue and asked me how I was doing. I told him I was struggling and doubting my calling and the idea of starting a church. I told him why I felt the way I did. And here is what he said, "son, if God put it in your heart, nothing will stop it. And if anyone can do what you are dreaming of doing, it's you two [speaking of Breanna and me]." He was a refreshing voice, and thank the Lord for it because if it were not for him, we might not be here today.
Now there is one caveat here, found right in the verse. As a person, you have to be a soul of blessing as well, not just one who receives refreshing; that is what a life-giving friendship and a life-giving community reflect. It is reciprocal refreshing.
Side note… if you are a negative person, you will attract negative people. If you are a positive person, you will—by and large—attract positive people.
There are so many big and small ways that we can refresh others.
Smile at people. Just smile.
Take a meal to a friend — for no reason at all.
Send a thank-you note, even if it's long past the "correct" window of time to offer thanks.
Write a letter saying all the (lovely) things you think but forget to say.
Make sure the people you love know that you have all the time in the world for them.
Smile at the cashier and make a joke when you come right after a mean person.
Tell someone you believe in them and who God is calling them to be.
Those are just a few ideas. If you do not actively refresh others, you cannot expect to be refreshed. You need new voices, voices of refreshing in your life. Come back next week to get more insight into the voices in your life.